Tears in an Ocean
by Phoenix1998
Summary: Merlin has reached a point wher he feels he has done everything that he needs to have done. WARNING; SUICIDAL!Merlin, WHUMP!Merlin, DEPRESSED:Merlin
1. Chapter 1

Tears in an ocean:

Merlin sat at the edge of the narrow sea watching as the waves crashed against the beach and wondered what he really meant to the world. Arthur. Gwen. Giaus. Hell, even the syupid prophecy which ruled over his life in every waking minute. There would always be somebody there to replace him after all. He had ten years of proof of it.

If he ever was off fighting magic for Arthur, and he found himself in mortal peril, Arthur always had someone to replace him with. As Uther had always drilled into him, peasants and servents are nothing but stock, and like stock, they are replacable. Arthur would always have a servant, it needn't be Merlin.

Much the same could be said of Giaus. Whilst he had told Merlin he was irreplacable, it wasn't true. If he ever needed an apprentice, he could find one anywhere, half of Camelot would clamour at the oppurtunity. As for his position as Ward, Giaus could do without the stress of a young man and his problems, not to mention Merlin's incessent destiny. He was better without Merlin.

Gwen had Arthur. She no longer needed his helping hand, guiding her to her rightful place at the side of the King. She was his right hand now. Merlin had essentially replaced himself. And now that their relationship was out in the open, there was no need for Merlin's strange, wise, words, as she now had Arthur's.

Arthur was the truly influencal part of the prophecy, and Merlin had already gifted him with his own wisedom. The King was now less narrow-minded towards magic, and Merlin believed that he would do what was right when the time came for him to unite Albion.

It was as the waves reached his toes as he sat on the shelf in the beach that he knew that his fleeting life was no longer necessary. He was no longer needed by any of them any more. He had fulfilled his place in the world and it was time to move on.

He stood and walked into the icy water, watching his feet as the met the inky darkness and sent ripples forth, breaking apart the moon and disturbing the ebb and flow of the ocean's current. Slowly and deliberatley Merlin stepped forwars, the water reaching his waist, and then his chest.

Opening his arms, he let tendrils of magic spiral across it surface of the water. Tiny fairy lights amongst the dark sky, skittering across the waves, dancing irratically. Merlin muttered a spell, altering his elemental magic, and shaping it into the sand of dreams. Memories now played in front of him, moments he had saved lives,and moments when he had taken them.

The light lit the young warlock's face, and he watched as faces of his mother, father, Giaus and Arthur played a smile across his face. Further images of Will, Lancelot and Freya filled his eyes and the smile faded slightly as his vision blurred.

Merin continued to walk forward until the water reached his chin. Looking down once again at his feet, Merlin whispered one last spell allowing the dormant reeds to curl around his ankles.

One more step.

With his final breath Merlin let a single tear fall into the sea before he was completely submerged.

As he closed his eyes under the water, allowing himself to sway with the motion of the current. It was comforting, like a mother's rocking.

He thought to himself as he opened his mouth, of his life. Waiting to join the countless others in the peace of death's lullaby, he held one last notion.

 _After all, we are all tears in an Ocean._


	2. Chapter 2

Arthur paced back and forth across his chamber. Merlin was late again. It had been a long day's ride, and it had been taxing for both the King and the Warlock. The mission had taken them through the white mountains along the border of Cenred's kingdom, and back through a beautiful valley which cupped the lake of Avalon.

The mission had been a success and, on the advice of his queen, he had resolved conflict with the neighbouring kingdom. Gwen had been particually helpful in the last few months, helping with matters of runnnig the kingdom, and also in his opinions of many areas when his mind had been clouded. Recently a druid had been caught crossing the land, and been accused of practising sorcery, destroying crops in his path. Merlin had whispered in his ear that the druid had been wrongfully accused, and that he didn't deserve to die, a suggesting that settled at the back of his mind. However, he had maintained his execution plan until his wife had put her foot down and put his mind to rest. Of course the druid had been framed, he would never risk being caught in Camelot. He had found himself trusting in his wife a lot more recently, seeking her council above all others.

Arthur sat on the edge of the bed, head in his hands as he waited for Merlin. The young man had retreated into himself recently, speaking less and seeking out the comfort of his own company. Sighing, the king stood, walking to the door and pulling on his jacket, pulling away from the cold of his room and his unllit fire, instead seeking the relative warmth of the corridor torches.

On the short walk from his chamber to those of the physician he contemplated reasons for Merlin's absence. The idiot probably fell on his way to see to Arthur and turned around to sort himself out. That or the servant had forgotten the King and was in bed like the lazy clotpole he was.

The corridors melted into one as he looked out of the pillored windows at the sunset as the sun fell below the horizon sprawling across his kingdom.

Reaching his destination Arthur raised his fist to knock. Waiting for a few minutes, the King almost walked straight into Giaus as he pushed the door as Giaus opened it.

"Sorry Giaus, I was looking for Merlin, he's late, and my chamber is freezing."

"He left over an hour ago sire, I assumed he left to tend to you."

"Well he never showed up to my chamber, I will go and check the tavern."

"Sire, I doubt he will be there, he rarely is."

"What do you mean Giaus?"

"Merlin has only been to the tavern once as far as I know sire, and that was at a time of emotional distress about five years ago. Unless he is upset, then I don't think he will be there."

"Well I will check there anyway, and I'll ask if anyone has seen him, can you go and talk to the kitchen maids, they don't miss anything and they will have seen him."

"Yes sire."

Giaus shuffled out of the room and headed towards the servants quarters. Arthur glanced around the chamber and sighed before turning and heading toward the lower town.

Darkness was setting it's claws in now and the hooded eaves of the lower town created a shadowed and unending passage, broken only by the fliskering torches in houses and the guttering candles in windows. Arthur followed the sound of the tavern and the light spilling from the door was welcoming.

Arthur stepped into the hullabaloo and looked around at the faces of the tavern goers. Imediately Arthur picked out a barmaid and made a beeline for her. Before he could reach her however, a hand reached out and grabbed his arm. Reaching for the offending hand, the King whipped his danger to the throat of his assailant.

"Princess! Funny seeing you here!"

Arthur dropped his hand.

"Gwaine! Don't just grab onto me like that, I could have killed you."

"No offence sire, but it's unlikely. I have been in bar brawls since I was fifteen. What brings you to this fine establishment?"

"I'm looking for Merlin, have you seen him?"

"Why, what has he done?"

"He didn't show up to work tonight, and I need my fire lighting."

"There are other servants for that Arthur, he might have taken the night off. I would have if you had spoken to me like you did on this mission."

"What do you mean?"

"When you called him useless and a coward when he refused to wash the dishes in the lake. You know he is superstitious, and he buried Lance in that lake. He probaly thought an offence to his memory."

"Come now Gwaine, he's a girl, but he's not that sensitive."

"Fine, believe what you like, I think he has gone away for a while."

"Why do you say that?"

"He was in here earlier, telling me that you are a good king and that I should make sure that your decisions are not stupid, to which I said, 'don't ask the impossible if you expect results'. He smiled and gave me this to give to you if I saw you."

Gwaine pulled out a battered letter from his pocked and brushed off a few crumbs before handing it to the King, who took it in disgust.

"He is alright isn't he Princess?"

"I don't know Gwaine,"

Arthur opened the letter and sat at the table with Gwaine to read it. Merlin's untidy scrawl was almost illedgible in the semi darkness of the tavern. Arthur's eyes widened as he read down the letter and his stomach plummeted. Throwing the letter down onto the table the King leapt up and ran to the door, drawing a silence in the alcohol fueld room as the townsfolk stared at their King.

Gwaine looked down at the letter and made out a few lines.

" _I have often looked across the sea and wondered what was beyond, but I have begun to find myself looking far beyond any sea. I have spent too long looking for my place, and I now realise I am no longer needed here, or anywhere. My journey will meet it's end at the sea, the place of many lost souls, thank you my friend, but I know my place is not here."_

Gwaine read and reread the lines and gasped as he ran after Arthur, Merlins letter ringing in his head.

 _My journey will end at the sea, the place of many lost souls._


	3. Chapter 3

Arthur ran to the stables as fast as he could, bowling aside homecoming peasants and shouting at the startled stable-hands. Grabbing the reigns of a stallion, the King demanded with all the authority he could muster to saddle it up as quickly as possible. Merlin didn't have time to waste, and the King was concerned for his saftey.

Although his letter was not specific Arthur couldn't shake the feeling of dread in his stomach that was settling like lead in water. The idiot had run off to sea, and Arthur truly hoped he was reading into Merlin's letter too much. Pacing as the grooms saddled the horse, Gwaine burst through the door. Snapping at the hands to ready another horse, Arthur met Gwaine's gaze.

"He hasn't has he?" Gwaine's face displayed every emotion that the Arthur was feeling. Shock. Concern. Fear. Whatever the knight was feeling however, the King was feeling worse. After all, it had been his fault that his words had been so cruel. It was his fault that the Warlock felt shunned adn forgotten. Therefore it was inevitably his fault that they were in this situation.

"I don't know Gwaine, I don't know." And the King hated not knowing.

"Sire..." A stable-hand pulled at his sleeve with trepidation. "Your horses are ready to go, should I sent for any provisions?"

"No, thank you. We won't be gone for long."

"Sire."

Arthur pulled himself into the saddle, patting the stallion's neck and repositioning his heels. This was going to take at least half an hour, but at least the sky was clear. Gwaine mounted his own horse, glancing at Arthur, and responing to his not with a sharp kick to the mare's sides.

"Let's go catch ourselves a Merlin."

* * *

The velvet sky was empty of clouds as they rode across wild landscapes, wind-torn by the sea air. The plants took on a duller colour as they approached the cliff top, further bleached by the strong moonlight. There was an eerie quality to the downs as the moon reflected off of the waves, glinting in the darkness. Under any other circumstances, the sight may have been beautiful, an unseen sight, for most people would be in their homes with the shutters drawn and huddled around a fire.

The King leant forward on his dark horse, attempting to gain some more speed, and directing himself to the beach. Gwaine followed suit and quickly caught up with Arthur.

As the duo reached the beach they could hear the dispacement of pebbles as the waves broke ashore. There had been a storm recently that had whipped up twenty foot waves, throwing stones as high as the cliff face. The beach itself was shaped therefore by the torrents of water, forming shelves in the pebbles.

Dismounting at the closest point to the beach, Arthur dropped his horse's reigns and allowed it to nibble at the resliant grass that sprouted from the stony groung. Deep rooted and strong. Gwaine followed suit, patting the mare's flank as it dropped its head.

Wasting no time the King and his Knight ran along the top shelf, looking for any sign of the warlock in the darkness. They saw nothing for a long time, They rushed at shadows in desperation, worry gripping their hearts in its iron grip.

It was as Arthur turned to face Gwaine, about to tell him that they should light some torches, that out of the corner of his eye he caught a ficker of motion, and light.

Turning in the direction of the disturbence, the King founf the subject of his search. The light had no assertainable source, but it was lighting the shadow of his best friend as he waded up to his neck into the water.

Heart in his mouth Arthur drew closer, watching as the light became more distinct, it was a display of beauty and awe, but one that inspired great fear in his heart. The King watched on as faces made themselves visable. Giaus, Merlin's mother, Gwen, and himself. They were joined by countless others who were unrecognisable to Arthur. A wild man with a greying beard and a familiar smile. A beautiful woman with dark hair and a rose in her hand. It was with a start that he realised that these where Merlin's memories.

Walking slowly now as though as not to startle Merlin, The king approached him with caution. He was still a hundred feet away when the young man bowed his head and muttered something. Even from this distance, Arthur could see the glint in the servant's eye.

Magic.

Arthur froze. His heart stopped beating for a fraction of a second, breath caught in his throat and he saw red.

Merlin had magic.

He was a sorceror.

His lapse in focus meant he didn't see the ripples peter out as Merlin's head became completely submerged. He didn't see the lone tear, highlighted by the moon, as it slide into the endless pool.

His mind was rolling, and his thoughts had stopped in an endless paradoxical loop in his mind.

Merlin was a magician. Merlin was Evil. Merlin was Merlin. But Merliln was a liar.

It was the gasping breath of Gwaine behind him that ruptured his quite struggle.

"Where is he?"

Arthur didn't reply.

"Where is he Arthur? We have to stop him!"

Oblivious to the panic in Gwaine's voice, Arthur whispered.

"He has magic."

To his suprise Gwaine laughed.

"Of course he has magic! How have you not noticed something strange about him? He has saved your hide with it on many occasions."

"What?!" Spluttered Arthur.

"You really are an idiot aren't you. You were thinking that he was some evil and twisted force."

Gwaine paused, leaving the King shamefaced,

"Snap out of it dollophead! Where is he? He needs us!"

Arthur shook himself. Merlin was out there, in danger and he was stood doing nothing.

In a sudden rush, blood pulsed to his legs and he jolted to a jog. Running to where Merlin had been standing, following the ripples to their source.

He bellowed, shattering the serenity of the coast as he ran to his friend. Gwaine following, his hair whipped across his face.

"Merlin!"


End file.
